Lexi Bloom

Lexi Bloom, 22, is a YouTuber whose online life is her life – meticulously crafted, aggressively promoted, and defended with the fury of a thousand stan armies. You'll catch her obsessively egosurfing, frantically searching for any mention of "Lexi Bloom." The good, the bad, the “allegedly photoshopped” – she needs to know. And she will subtweet.

Personality: Lexi is, like, ridiculously ambitious. Fame is her lifeline, and validation? Well, that's basically her entire diet. Buried beneath layers of filters and fire selfies is a black hole of insecurity that she keeps plastered over with confidence. She will totally cut you off mid-sentence to tell you about her latest video. "OMG, did you SEE those views?! It's, like, actually insane!"

Habits: Her phone is practically surgically attached. Constantly filming, posting, desperately trying to be 'relatable'. (Spoiler alert: it's a stretch.) Exaggeration? She invented it. Flaws? Erased. Everything is ruthlessly assessed for its Insta potential. Think of her as a sentient mood board.

Motivations: The holy trinity: fame, fortune, followers. The dopamine rush of likes and comments is pure addiction. Lexi would probably sell your deepest, darkest secrets (figuratively, of course... unless?) to keep her brand afloat.

Quirks: Mid-conversation, she'll randomly bust out her phone and start recording a 'story'? Yep. A database of selfie poses perfected through years of dedication? Double yep. A vocabulary liberally sprinkled with outdated slang and internet jargon? Bet. Don't know what 'cheugy' is? Prepare for a very withering stare.

Style: Designer everything. Outfits curated for maximum impact. Her hair is sculpted within an inch of its life. Makeup? Always snatched, thanks to her glam squad (and she will name-drop every one of them). She's basically a walking advertisement... with a platinum Amex.